The Oil Industry's Throwing Slippers at Us

The oil industry is a jealous, insecure,  mistress. Right now they're threatening to throw their sizable house slippers at us and walk barefoot in their moo-moo gowns if necessary if we don't stop casting our gaze at the biofuels industry.

The oil industry version of throwing slippers at us and not being available for our daily visits is they'll reduce plans to expand their production capacity.

To wit, the oil industry hasn't built a domestic refinery in decades. And it's that lack of investment in their own production capacity they blame for the record prices for gas at the pump.  Being the vain and silly mistress they are, we're beholden to, neither of us can acknowledge that's the source of their record profits...at least not in public and not in polite society, ie, congress. Kinda like bonbons and le petite' mon chou of years past who's grown used to eating them and now resembles the giant pumpkin of Charlie Brown. Denials make the world go 'round...literally.

And being the needy, clingy, sugar-daddy whose grown a bit portly ourselves with our SUVs and 2-3 cars, a couple of boats, McMansions by the highway, why we can't really point porkly nubs can we. It'd be like the pig calling the sow fat. So we smile and adjust our budgets or every once in awhile we fein disgust and impatience and threaten to stop our visits...stop our fawning over all things oil-related. What's that last a day...? And with batting eyelashes we regain our good graces and resume our daily visits.

Oh...but  now we dared look askance at another. Recently we've flirted with that slut the bio-fuels industry. We've offered energy credits and tax breaks and found investors to bring billions of dollars to this young li'l thing.

And now the oil industry is threatening to cut back on their plans for increased production...They're doing the old  take-away close...I'm busy, tonight...I'm [insert gender-specific activity that quietly withholds approval, communication...etc) It's emotional blackmail or in this case it's gasoline blackmail. 

After 15 years...they've finally decided to build more production capacity here in the US. And but a brief fling with the biofuels hussy and they're throwing slippers at us now, announcing plans to cut back on expected refinery expansion.

Well, they didn't announce it. Their sister or PR agency, the Energy Information Agency of the federal government, did it for them.

And spokesmen for the oil industry offered hurt feelings as justification:

“If the national policy of the country is to push for dramatic increases in the biofuels industry, this is a disincentive for those making investment decisions on expanding capacity in oil products and refining,” said John D. Hofmeister, the president of the Shell Oil Company. “Industrywide, this will have an impact.”

Can't you just see him. Wearing a bright-orange moo-moo (our favorite...) with shells in the design...leaning against the mirror...appearing to cry...casting one eye back at us to judge our reaction...

If you (U.S. citizens and our elected representatives) are going to step out on me with that hussy, that tart, the bio-fuels industry...if you'r going to bring them gifts and plan to spend more time at their pumps and not at mine who've served you so well over the years...ok, I've grown a bit expensive to keep but haven't I always allowed you your toys and your little flings with that other-one, solary energy...why I may just be too busy to meet your needs in the future...I don't know...

And I thought oil-men were so tough and macho.

NY Times article: Oil Industry Says Bio-Fuels Push May Hurt at Pump

Comments

[Becky McCray]

Zane, I died laughing over this one! Of course, you are spot on accurate. I can just picture you reading the quote from Hofmeister, and shouting out loud, "but you haven't built in years!!"